Februarium Part 1: Who You Love- Redux

Februarium Part 1: Who You Love- Redux

A love letter to anyone. Or no one in particular.

Dear

At this time last year, it had been just over two months of talking, two months of wondering, two months of hurting. When I first walked in your door, I was floundering--unable to get ahold of myself, unable to sift through the chaff of my life to focus on what needed to be focused upon.

Your office was small, utilitarian; white walls adorned with somewhat slanted frames of certificates and achievements, calendars of uninspired prints (free from some realtor or another), and some art to shape the character of the windowless space. And though I often looked at that triptych of art more than I dared to look at you, I cant even recall what they consisted of. Too mired in misery and confusion to really pay close attention, I guess.

I tried to judge you--you, a middle aged quasi-hippy who was filled with beliefs that I wanted to embrace but didn't full know how to, pushed me to places I didn't know I wanted to go--did I trust you to believe me? Could you discern the true issue that I masked behind the chirpy words I poured out every week? Could I tell you what I really needed to say?

I could tell I puzzled you, entranced you, frustrated you. And you were as a long drink of cool water even as I felt like I was drowning in myself.

And on that cold February evening, when I surprised you with the news of the Bub, you brought me to a fundamental truth that rang true the minute the words left my lips: it was time to take care of me. I was allowed to love myself. It was OK to put myself first. It was time to dig deep, to push aside those things that were holding me down and accept that the person I needed to love the most was with me all the time.

A year of revealing conversations, a year of setting limits and a year of making tough decisions means that, although I am still on the long journey back from the shore I was dancing on, my time with you is now done.

Thank you for all that you are. You have shown me the meaning of who you love.