Drifting

I feel like I am drifting from someone right now and it makes me feel a sort of panicky deja vu. Like I have felt like this befpre--friendship's swan song, a sad farewell of a trainwreak you could see coming miles away. This, and perhaps many, entries might not make much sense and for that, I apologize. I feel a bit scattered and it shows.

I think that a good part of what is causing this rift is the lack of stability--that is we just dont know if we are coming or going. And that sense of insecurity and waffling about whether or not we are going to be around must make it difficult to commit to being friends when you dont know if the friendship will sustain itself over time. But does friendship work that way? If you found out that you had a finite amoun of time with a friend, would you start to push away too?

We have lost a number of close friendships over distant moves. It is a hard thing, keeping things alive and current when you cant hang out and watch a movie or sit and chat over a cup of tea. And while it is a sad fact of life, it is still a fact of life. (This is one of those realizations that I have come to, much like understanding that I have a hard time letting go) You see, I used to kid myself that if I only tried harder and put more of myself into it, I could still have the same friendship to return to. but I have come to understand that to sustain some friendships, I do need to be able to sit down and have a cup of tea and share a hug and a laugh and a cry. And despite being able to find time for the things around me that need doing, I am less good at emailing things that arent trite and contrived, at picking up the phone and being chatty. And, while I am mostly OK with the fact that I have never been a phone kind of person, I do feel like I am the one at fault for losing out on what should be.

We are drifting and I dont know what to do about it. So we pretend nothing is wrong and that the awkward conversations have other causes and the stilted visits are because of other stresses that dont involve one another. And we go on.