Holidailies: A Baby Just Like You

"The season is upon us now
A time for gifts and giving
And as the year draws to its close
I think about my living"

There are platitudes, especially around this time of year, about treasuring the lives you touch, about hugging your kids and kissing your spouse. A couple weeks ago, my friend's father passed and I was reminded again how short life could be, how we need to grasp the moments that slip by. Yesterday my daughter had her fifth seizure episode.

You know how life sometimes moves in slow motion? Well watching her have the seizure was like the frame by frame train wreak you cant look away from. She had fallen asleep on the couch in the basement while watching West Wing with her dad. She wasnt sick, didnt have a fever and no indication of the fun that was to come.

About an hour later, my husband heard Julia making noises, grunty moaning noises, and he thought she was having some dreams so he glanced over and there she was in full body convulsions. He screamed for me and we talked her through it. It was an unbelievably long 60 seconds. Her face was completely ashen gray and her lips were blue. I was petrified and almost called 911.

I gathered her in my arms just after the convulsions were over, thinking that she was done with it and that we should take her in to make sure that her colour was returning and that she was really OK. But then she started having another seizure--a different one; she went completely rigid, her limbs stiff and locked, her jaw clenched so tightly I could see the muscles in her face strained and taut. Her hands clenched tightly into fists that I couldnt pry open. Once again, I talked her through the seizure, trying to reassure her even though I think she has no awareness during her attacks.

We went upstairs to take her temperature and get her ready to go to the ER. While I was in the kitchen, her left arm began to move, of its own accord. Another seizure. I tried to hold it, as much to quiet its movements as to just be able to feel like I was doing something to help her. Julia drifted in an out of conciousness but was moaning as though she were in pain. My level of panic increased. This had never happened before and because I was getting as accustomed as I could be to the convulsions, this was a whole new scary level. Once they stopped I took her temperature. 37.8C which is high for Julia, not for anyone else. We bundled her sister out the doo with her aunt who came by to pick her up (thank god for small things like sisters who live close enough to babysit in emergencies) and packed Julia to the pediatric ER.

By the time we got there her temp had gone up enormously--the nurse in Triage found it to be 39 and climbing. What a disaster--if it continued to climb, her chances of having another attack were pretty high. Fortunately they got s in, the nurse gave her something to break her fever and the doctor came in pretty promptly. After examining her and taking her seizure history, he determined that the febrile seizures were becoming "abnormal" and would require a closer look.

We are booked for an EKG tomorrow morning. He brought up the scary "epilepsy" word for the first time last night and though I was calm through most of the night, it is only now starting to hit me. She might not grow out of it. This might not just be a routine part of her childhood. Life as we know it might be very different than what I imagined it would be when I woke up yesterday morning, last week, last year.
Still, its not a terminal illness, if anything comes of the diagnosis, we will manage. But it doesnt mean I am not scared shitless.

We are going to drive up to see my in-laws just after the EKG tomorrow morning. We are going to have a nice normal not worry-filled Christmas, dammit.

"And as the Magi came with gifts,
I come with my gift too
That peace on Earth fills up your time,
That brotherhood surrounds you.
That you may know the warmth of love,
And wrap it all around you"