Trying to stay on top of things

Having a conversation with a 5 year old is somewhat frustrating. Our conversation today almost drove me to drink

"What is that?"
"Its the wall for the basement laundry room"
"What's it for?"
"Its for the WALL"
Well, but I want to know what its for"
????
I lost my temper "It's for the WALL so that the laundry room will have a WALL. I don't know how else to explain what a WALL is for"
"Oh"

Maybe I am closer to PPD than I thought but my head almost exploded. I am pretty conscientious about post partum depression, having failed to see it in myself last time until it was at critical mass and I was in a severe state of depression. There would be days when I would lay on the couch and snooze with Elena while Julia would have to feed herself out of the fruit bowl at lunchtime because I would simply forget to get lunch. And once I got meds, boom, like a while new person--one who would make meals at appropriate times and sleep at normal hours. So with the arrival of bouncing baby boy, I was almost hyper-aware of my moods, paid attention to my eating habits and sleeping routines. I make sure the kids are fed and dressed and at school on time. I dress myself everyday ( dont take this as a given when there is a new baby in the house and no reason to leave) and try to make sure that I have time to myself so that I am not lost in the shuffle of "mom! mom! mom!" I think, in part, I wanted to silence the naysayers who said I shouldnt have more babies because I had PPD last time around, even though that seems ridiculous because the chemical imbalance that is depression is not even remotely in my own control.

I feel good. I dont type that with impunity, I really do feel good. I feel accomplished (I have finished three scrapbooks in the last 3 months!), the kids are relatively happy and my relationship with my husband is as steady as it ever has been (taking money issues out for the most part has been the greatest help in this department, I think). but somedays things just get away from me and I have to try not to beat myself over it becuase who doesnt have off days, right? What is important, and what I have to continually remind myself about, is that I still want to get up tomorrow, still have things I am looking forward to and still want laugh things off.

Someday soon, maybe tomorrow when the wave of it is less poignant, I will stop berating myself over having locked all the kids in the running van this morning when I got out to brush the snow off. I will not worry about the moments when I felt like breaking down because I did manage to hold it together and not linger on the memory of peering in to the frosted windows and seeing how Jacob's hat had slid over and was covering his nose and mouth and hearing him crying because he had mittens on his little hands and couldnt take his hat off himself and listening to Julia's helpless cries of fear at being left in the van and not able to go to school. I will be comforted by Elena's steadfast calmness becuase she was so sure of my ability to get into the car and help them out. And I will pat myself on the back for having the ability to guide Julia through unbuckling her carseat buckle and sliding out to open the door for me in relative short order and with minimal freaking out.

It'll be funny one day, right?