Two Steps Back

I am feeling conflicted--I want to believe that I am making the right choice but I am so worried that the outcome is not going to be a pretty sight. I am asking for a lot to make this happen and what if I am wrong? Do I turn tail and come back? What if the kids dont adjust or my marriage doesnt hold up? What if the next school makes me pine for the one I am leaving? What if. what if. what if.

I am up way past the time for sleeping; all the kids are nestled in soft slumber and I am sitting up, mulling over all the things that need to be done, the house that still needs to be lived in for half a year and yet it feels like it is pressing down on me to begin.

Purging is one of the joys and sorrows of moving--you find things long forgotten, throw away things you lost an attachement for, remember and release emotions that swim up to the surface of your life.

I love it. I hate it. The thought of moving makes me feel nauseated and elated all at the same time. I want the imagined life that I could lead--will it be a reality? Do I still have a support system there or am I just hopeful that I can find my footing in one again? Will my next work environment really drive me forward or will I flounder once more? Can I live with myself if it is all for naught?

Added pressure: D says this next house is the last one he wants to move into--in other words it is supposed to be our "forver" home--is there such a thing? What if we change our minds? Do we choose a house based on the house? what about schools? jobs? neighbourhoods? convenience?

Ugh. And so it goes...

Holidailies: Baby, it's cold outside

"I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside
I've got to go away - Baby it's cold outside..."

Now that I have made a decision, working towards it is fraught with new issues and yet, somehow, I feel so much more relaxed. I suppose that humans are always more stressed in times of uncertainty--the world, perhaps, on this cusp of new is climbing out of the hole it has found itself within and is only now starting to find its footing.

"...I've got to go home..."

I wont say that coming up here was a mistake, because it wasnt. It was a path that was necessary to where we are now--when we first came up our goals were simple: get experience in our career paths, build equity in our home and set ourselves in a positive financial picture. I am grateful for everything that coming here has afforded us. The lack of support, the difficult work environment, the cramping quarters of our home have shown us that it is time for new plans and now that I am starting to formulate what those plans will look like it is daunting but not impossible.

"...But don't you see - How can you do this thing to me
There's bound to be talk tomorrow - Making my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - If you caught pneumonia and died
I really can't stay - Get over that old out
Ahh, but it's cold outside

Baby it's cold outside"

I think that part of what I need to reconcile in my head is that the long run is going to be worth the short term difficulties. It is worth it to create some moments of anxiety because we need to make this happen sooner rather than later.

So I have a list of home renovations that should be done before we put the house on the market, there are decisions that I have been putting off about our material possesions that need to be finalized and we need to agree on a general timeline (which I think D has already tentaively settled on) to make this happen.

It is time to pinch the pennies and as I look to 2011, it may be cold outside but I think I am ready to face it.

Holidailies: Thankful

"Somedays, we forget to look around us,
Somedays, we can't see the joy that surrounds us,
so caught up inside ourselves,
we take when we should give,
so for tonight we pray for,
what we know can be,
and on this day we hope for,
what we still can't see,
It's up to us, to be the change,"

I got up this morning and painted. There is something to be said for the calm tranquility of mornings, even ones that come after restless nights with fussing babies. It is that moment when the world is just starting to rouse, the kids trudge sleepily from their beds, stumble down to the breakfast table and mumble under their breaths. It is the moment of soft milk mouths and warm little bodies, snuggled up blankets and fluttering eyes.

As I set up the paints it felt good to feel the colours fold gently against one another, to hear the rustle of the paper, the softness of the brush.

"and even though we all can still do more,
there's so much to be thankful for,
look beyond ourselves,
there's so much sorrow,
it's way to late to say, I'll cry tomorrow
each of us must find our truth,
it's so long overdue,
so for tonight we pray for,
what we know can be,"

I have come to some epiphanies lately and uncertain as things may feel, I also feel more centered, more aware of my own intention and filled with expectation for what lies ahead. As a type A personality, being in a state of flux is unsettling but I know that what I am setting out to do is important.

"and everyday, we hope for,
what we still can't see,
it's up to us, to be the change,
and even though we all can still do more,
there's so much to be thankful for,
even with our differences,
there is a place WE'RE all connected,"

I am thankful for the outreach of help, the small tenderness's of the morning, the anticipation of progress, the setting of new goals

"each of us can find each others light,
So for tonight, we pray for
what we know can be,
and on this day, we hope for,
what we still can't see,
it's up to us, to be the change,
and even though this world needs so much more
there's so much to be thankful for"

And so I throw this feeling out into the great beyond, hoping that it casts its net forward and captures other people along the way. There is today I have to deal with. But, as each paint stroke on the paper reveals the painting I didnt know I was creating until it was done, so too is this moment showing me what I am capable of and what lies ahead.

Just a note

You just have to read this because it is so a reflection of my life.

Holidailies: Where are you Christmas?

Where are you Christmas?
Why can't I find you?
Why have you gone away?
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me?
Why can't I hear music play?

I hate to be a downer on the holidays; I'd like to be able to sing the carols and drink the eggnog because I feel it in my heart and not just go through the motions for the sake of the children. I have put up the lights, set up the Christmas village and decked the halls but I still dont feel it.

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too?

Instead, I have a decision that weighs on me like a stone that is holding me down. I feel like there is a proverbial shoe waiting to drop as people wait for whatever decision I make. Why I feel like it is my choice that everything hinges upon or why invariably someone will be upset and hurt by the choice I make, I dont know, It isnt a choice that is made lightly or without thought but everyone has an opinion and no matter what in this life, you cant please everyone.

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go

I want so badly to make the *right* choice--the one that will have my heart bursting into the Hallelujah chorus, replete with choirs of angels singing and so on--but instead I have quiet epiphanies in bustling grocery aisles. There is a voice inside me that says "I think it has to be like this" and I know that it is ringing true in my heart but I am a coward and I am afraid of the consequences of that choice.

When I gave the thought breath outside my own head last night, in the stillness of night where I could hide under cover of darkness, the reaction was as I feared and the silence was unending. And in the light of morning, the unsettled feeling has not dissipated and I am still afraid. Why does life have to be so hard?

I need to repeat to myself the fact that I am NOT walking away from my life. I am not making a selfish decision. I am not doing something with the purpose to harm someone else. but I am needing to make a decision that helps me to start living life again, rather than this farce that life has become. I am needing to find the spirit of Christmas that will speak to me once again of peace in my heart, of laughter in my life, of happy days and quiet nights.

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here in silence
Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas
Fills your heart with love

And so it goes...

Holidailies: There's always tomorrow

From Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer

There's always tomorrow,
For dreams to come true,
Believe in your dreams
Come what may.

I get frustrated when the kids move slowly--I often ask them to speed up whether it is eating meals, getting dressed, cleaning up, etc. They are sidetracked by other, more appealing, things to do and I just want the job to get done.

But I guess, when I look at myself, I really shouldnt fault them for the way they are because it is the way I am too. Perhaps I am frustrated that they are turning into me. Hours of therapy have showed me that the things I am hardest on the kids for are things that I perceive in myself as problematic and annoying. How on earth is it that I think nagging them will make it better? I dont know.

There's always tomorrow,
With so much to do,
And so little time in a day.

As time wears on the kids grow older and more outspoken with each passing day, I realize more and more that I havent done nearly enough to nurture their hopes and their dreams; I know that I am being hard on myself today but I feel it sharply today that I dont ask them what they want most of the time, that I dont cherish the small conversations we used to have (and dont have as much anymore) and that I havent spent enough time with each one of them.

We all pretend
The rainbow has an end
And you'll be there my friend someday.

There is time yet, perhaps, to turn things around; admitting it is the first step of any process, right? I dont know where the road is going to lead us--the decisions we will make in the near future will affect this road to a huge extent, but our attitude as we set forth will help to make the kids resilient to the changes that are approaching.

There's always tomorrow,
For dreams to come true,
Tomorrow is not far away.

I am nervous. Anxious almost to the point of paralysis and some days I feel like I shouldnt make any decisions in case they turn out to be the wrong ones. But in my head I also know that inertia is also a choice and staying in a place that isnt healthy or positive will never produce healthy or positive emotions in the kids either.

We all pretend,
The rainbow has an end,
And you'll be there my friend someday.

Some people say we can only deal with each day, as it comes, but without a long term idea, I think it will all fall apart. When I married D, I told him that we dont look at our feet when we walk down a path and that one could help the other if they stumbled along the way. I guess I need to stop staring at my feet, since doing so has only led me to resent how I go where I am in this journey. Now that we have reached the end of our old plan, we need to make new ones.


There's always tomorrow,
For dreams to come true,
Tomorrow is not far away.

Holidailies: Do They Know It's Christmastime At All?

"It's Christmastime
There's no need to be afraid
At Christmastime, we let in light and we banish shade
And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy
Throw your arms around the world at Christmastime"

Every year we say that we are going to downsize Christmas. Every year we vow to spend less and do more. How does it always get away from us? I think it is because of guilt.

But say a prayer

Pray for the other ones
At Christmastime it's hard, but when you're having fun
There's a world outside your window
And it's a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears
And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging
chimes of doom
Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you

We want to teach the kids to be grateful for what they have, to see that they are so privileged and lucky to have a mom and dad who love them, to have family close, to see that the roof overhead and food in their belly isnt something that every kid has. It's a hard lesson to understand when all you have known is a life of "have" instead of "have not". I am not looking for excuses for us, but it is true that we buy in excess to make up for the unhappiness that perhaps we feel. We feel guilt for working long hours, guilt for not wanting to get down on the floor and play Barbie again, guilt at short temper flares and unfulfilled dreams.

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life
(Oooh) Where nothing ever grows
No rain nor rivers flow
Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

Of course life could always be worse--but on the other hand, life could also be better. What will it take to make that shift from trying to compensate for the little things that I know in my head matter so much more than the material ones and just doing it? I wish I knew--maybe it would help them to see that even though the kids in African might not know that it is Christmastime with lots of presents and Santa and snow, they might be happier if they appreciate the little things around them.

(Here's to you) raise a glass for everyone
(Here's to them) underneath that burning sun
Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

Time and time again we hear stories from our globe trotting friends who tell us how much more appreciative the people are elsewhere when they receive the smallest thing. They take it into their heart with the knowledge that, for this moment, gratitude is the most important emotion and the world is filled with goodwill.

For them, perhaps, Christmastime is a feeling that arrives anytime of the year and is not something that needs holly berries and a trip to the mall.

Holidailies: Walking in a Winter Wonderland

"Sleigh bells ring, are you listening,
In the lane, snow is glistening
A beautiful sight,
We're happy tonight.
Walking in a winter wonderland."

The weather has been warming up the last few days, which means that it will start to snow. And snow and snow and snow. On the one hand, I welcome the snow--it covers all the ugliness that is post-autumn here in the Mac. There is something soothing about the large flakes that settle on the bushes and trees, softening the world outside.

Gone away is the bluebird,
Here to stay is a new bird
He sings a love song,
As we go along,
Walking in a winter wonderland.

When I first moved here, I was enchanted with the winter birds that hang about--giant crows, squawking blackbirds and little chickadees. They all seemed so hardy and I admired their resourcefulness and chutzpah of sticking it out in tough living conditions.

On garbage day I saw that people in the neighbourhood often covered up their garbage with blankets and sheets. I first scoffed at how "dainty" people must think themselves to be to not even want people to see that they *gasp* put garbage out on the *curb* once a week. I literally laughed out loud at the thought that these pick up truck driving red necks would feel this way. I brushed it off as an Easterner thing that they must have brought out West.

I said so out loud one day at work and got *that look* from someone who retorted that the reason for covering the garbage was to keep it from the birds. I was confused--what did they mean "keep it from the birds"? And then I discovered the menace that is scavenging birds--huge and loud in their daily habits; The birds, aided in part by their huge size, would rip open the bags and spread the trash down the street like a smorgasbord of leftovers, wrappers and detritus. Ahhh, the delights of wildlife about town.

In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is Parson Brown

He'll say: Are you married?
We'll say: No man,
But you can do the job
When you're in town.

Later on, we'll conspire,
As we dream by the fire
To face unafraid,
The plans that we've made,
Walking in a winter wonderland.

Now that the tree is up, the kids enjoy the twinkle of the tree lights, fidgeting with the ornaments and tell me that they are hopeful that one day we will have a fireplace to have a fire and a mantle for the stockings.

In the meadow we can build a snowman,
And pretend that he's a circus clown
We'll have lots of fun with mister snowman,
Until the other kids knock him down.

The kids are, of course, thrilled with the snow. It isnt the right type of snowfall to make snowmen but they dont let that distract them. As they like to say in Alberta, it's a dry cold ;) and we watch as the snow continues to fall...

When it snows, ain't it thrilling,
Though your nose gets a chilling
We'll frolic and play, the Eskimo way,
Walking in a winter wonderland.